thoughts of the day/week...
So I have this journal, well actually I have had many in these past years that I have filled up and then put onto my shelf. And it's weird to look back at them and sometimes I just read them and remember what what was going on in life when I wrote certain things, but if you catch me on a bit of a cynical day I start to question myself. Like, was I really feeling that happy, or was I really feeling that great, or did I really come to a point where I felt better or was I just trying to make myself feel better. I don't know if this makes sense but that's kinda what I've been feeling like lately. I've been questioning what I've been feeling and getting kinda frazzled and unsettled. And I just don't want to be fake about it and pretend like I struggle with things, but not that hard and in the end I always feel at peace and better, cause I don't. And what is thinking about life and being real, and what is really looking our fears and struggles in the face and fighting for peace and joy? And can you do both? I'd like to think you can and that that is what being authentic is all about. But man, it's a hard balance.
Cause here's the thing, I've been feeling kinda lonely lately. Like I'm pretty sick of doing things by myself. Especially ministry related things. And I spent some time in a prayer room out in Dalmeny and I really spent some time praying about it and was really enocuraged by how Mary must have felt alone when she said yes to having Jesus (that's a whole other post). And I was feeling really good about just living life and going after God and letting Him do it. And then I packed up my stuff from the theater that night and still felt so lonely. And it's gone back and forth all week like this. And so my question is what is being real in a situation like this. Cause I can forget the loneliness and I can go about my life and find joy and learn lessons and just keep going. Or I can talk about these yucky feelings and sit and be sad too. And they are both very real things. So anyway, that's just how I'm feeling right now. Tomorow I could feel 100% different, who really know. I guess the whole thing is just a learning process in how to be authentic. But learning this is sure harder than one would expect.
Cause here's the thing, I've been feeling kinda lonely lately. Like I'm pretty sick of doing things by myself. Especially ministry related things. And I spent some time in a prayer room out in Dalmeny and I really spent some time praying about it and was really enocuraged by how Mary must have felt alone when she said yes to having Jesus (that's a whole other post). And I was feeling really good about just living life and going after God and letting Him do it. And then I packed up my stuff from the theater that night and still felt so lonely. And it's gone back and forth all week like this. And so my question is what is being real in a situation like this. Cause I can forget the loneliness and I can go about my life and find joy and learn lessons and just keep going. Or I can talk about these yucky feelings and sit and be sad too. And they are both very real things. So anyway, that's just how I'm feeling right now. Tomorow I could feel 100% different, who really know. I guess the whole thing is just a learning process in how to be authentic. But learning this is sure harder than one would expect.
1 Comments:
What is it to be an authentic Christian? Is it to go through the motions of being happy for everyone else, or is it to question ourselves, to feel the gross feelings, and come to a point at the end of it all where you can acknowledge you still feel love for the One Creating it all? I would think the latter. You know where my heart is these days Dana; question away, and don't stop until you have some semblance of some realization - even if it's just that belly button fuzz is rank... or that I am superior to most human beings... or... you get my drift. We'll get there eventually... Love ya. Erica.
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