Bigger than me...

So today I was in church and had this revelation that life is much bigger than me. It was a familiar lesson that I have learned many times in my twenty-four years. And yet, it's one of those lesson's I so easily forget. I get so caught up in me, what I want to do, what I need to do, what I dream about, what I have, what I don't have. Lately it's been all that 'me' talk and much more in my life. But there I was standing in the front of the church on the worship team. I almost feel guilty getting up there and singing when I know my heart has been miserbly far from Jesus lately. But none the less there I was and we began singing 'I stand in awe of you'. It was requested by a man I vaguely know in my church. All I really know of him is that he has cancer right now. So we're singing away and all of a sudden I look to the back and there is Mr. M with his hands held out, singing these precious words and standing in awe. Tears welled up. I was inspired by this man who was in love with Jesus. No cynical questions, and bitter judgements, just awe struck love. So there up on stage in the middle of a song I've sung a million times I learned a lesson I'm sure to learn a million times. I realized that life in not about me, it's about love and Jesus and being in awe and in love. I get so cynical and selfish and question so much of what's around me. But what is it like when you face death straight on. When you know that Jesus is that close to you. What is it like to stand in awe in the midst of pain. So there you have it. I learned it again, and I'm sure I'll learn it again and again in the course of my years.

Kilimanjaro Kids

question

Does anyone know how I can post some of my pictures on this thing? I just can't figure it out. Thanks.

the gifts we've been given...

So I've been thinking about the arts and creativity and the likes lately and asking why don't we use these gifts more. And by use them I don't just mean use them to unwind after a long day, and I don't mean just being creative and filling your own room with the stuff you have made, but really why aren't we stepping out and using these gifts that got has so freely given us. A few months ago I went to Jann Arden Concert with Dan and I thought about here was a women who sang for a living. She made lots of money cause she sings good. She get's to do what she loves all the time. So I started to wonder at what kind of art I would do if I could make a living at it. And I've started to ask people, and it's amazing at what I've heard people say. Sarah said she would dance, now I disin't even know Sarah wanted to dance or that she even used to. But back in the day when she used to dance there was this spark and something in her still wants to do it. So there's a question for you what would you do if you could do anything? I would take pictures. Most people that know me well know that I love taking pictures. I would walk around and take pictures of people and buildings and I would sell my pictures or make cards or something like that with them, and eventually after I had enough good ones I would want to make a beautiful coffee table book. And then when I wasn't doing that I would make banana bread and I would sell it to coffee shops and and small shops and I would sell all sorts of varieties, cranberry, cocunut, berry, and maybe evn brnch out into other breads. So ya, that's what I've been dreaming about lately. I've been thinking about my friends and how talented they all are and how we need to be expressing these talents. Erica writes beautifully, Amy is a natural poet, Bettina does music like nobodies mother, Simon writes in a this compelling way, Lisa has this way with quotes and finding beautiful inspiring words that are in the world, Aaron is one good photographer, and I don't know I could keep going and going with every single friend I have. It's just amazing the artistic abilities that are out there to express what deep within our beings. So I was thinking about this space and that I might try using it for expressing more of what God has blessed me and my friends with.

Here's a beautiful example of these wonderful gifts from my dear friend Amy:

'Her Song'
The heartache in her heart
Transposed to the same familiar song.
The words recited by memory:
'I'm just one, but I can be strong.'

She gazes upon the horizon,
She looks up into the sky.
She sees the rain clouds coming
And she asks the questions, why?

Why does she have to live in the cold world?
Why does this have to be done?
Why was this life chosen for her?
Why does she have to do it alone?

But who sings to no one?
Who's song is not heard?
Does not the mouth that's been opened
Make sounds more than just words?

When a dancer sways, are they not noticed?
They're feet a story tell?
Does not the step that's been taken
Begin a story that started out well?

She can shield away the raindrops
She can hide from the wind
She can pretend that life's not happening
And that eve hadn't sinned.

Or she could dance with the raindrops
And with the wind she can sing.
She can live the questions as they find her
And write music from her King.

AF - Jan '06

and with that good-night everyone!

christmas learnings

Who knew I would want to write in this thing so badly and yet every time I come over here I end up not having the time and having to go somewhere else. So now I have 15 minutews before the Roastery closes and I thought, what the heck at least I have 15 minutes to write something. It probably won't sound as eloquant as I would like but at least it's something. This Christmas has been such a good one. One of just relaxing and spending time with people I love and just being. And in all the time to just be I think I'm really learning alot about myself and this life I've been having. And in a way I feel like I just need to stop what I've been doing and sit down with different people in my life and just talk. Catch up with what they're doing and just listen cause let me tell you I really don't. I've been reading this book which I sadly finished tonight and wish I could just read it over like 5 more times, and maybe I will, but whatever, I have been reading this book and just being super challenged to be real. Real with the people around me, but more than that real with myself cause if I'm not real with me than how can I be real with anyone else. So somewhere througout all these thoughts that have been swirling in my head I feel like I've started to learn some big things that I'm sure will take more time than this short Christmas break to unravel but none the less some good lessons, so here they are: I learned that for too long I tried to push or pull people into my own journey, not realizing that everyone has a journey of their own, and all journey's will look different. Instead I got all puffed up and decided that my journey was the best and if people would just join mine they'd be fine. But the thing was that's not how God works ( I don't think anyway). He's going to take everyone on their own special journey with their own lessons and their trials and joys and experiences, and where's the joy in everyone taking one journey. I learned that I don't want to just turn on my happy emotions and pretend that I know the answer, and that answer is just Jesus. Don't get me wrong I don't think that Jesus is not the answer in fact a very much think He is, but I think he has so much to teach me and so much to reveal to me about Himself, and I just keep putting Him in my 'everythings happy' box and I think there's more to him than that, I think He's in the questions and the lonliness and the grey areas and that He's ok with when I'm there and I'm trying to figure it out as long as I'm looking at Him when I'm asking these questions and not turning my back I think He's ok with it all and it's all part of the jounrney. I've learned that I love the arts. I want to play more piano, bake more banana bread, paint more pictures and grow more herbs. I want to create more. I think we should use our gifts more. The things that make us tick. I think He's in these gifts and we'll learn alot about our God if we step out and use what he's given us. I've learned I need to love more, and not love in a conditional sense like when people are how I want them to be. But I really need to love. I've learned that the Roastery is closing and I need to be done this thing. Sorry about the spelling mistakes and all things that don't make sense. I just needed to write in here and get a little of this on this blog. Much love and good-night...